Inadequate

Sorry if I’d made you feel inadequate
That what you do isn’t enough
To make me feel I am valued
To make me believe I am loved

At times I just don’t understand
Why I envy a lot
On other people’s lives and
Beautiful stories they got

I know I’ve hurt you intensely
I broke your heart and I’m wrong
Now I’m saying I’m sorry
That I said we just don’t belong

I didn’t mean to hurt you
I didn’t knew then it was wrong
To tell you insensitive thoughts
That might have broke us apart

I have forgotten entirely
How beautiful we once were
How I want to turn back time
If I could I’d say “as you were”

But what’s done has been done
The damage is beyond repair now
I only wish your pain will be gone
I’ll take with me the ache with a bow

-The Soliloquist

 

(Wrote this years ago, it’s downer so I had second thoughts publishing it. But nah for safekeeping.)

Not Okay

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There are times when we just want to keep our emotions to ourselves. Times when sharing doesnt seem to help and it feels like no one really understands. There are also those when we just want to feel okay, act like everything is in place when in reality we feel like our world is shattered. I definitely have experienced all these and how easy it is to pretend nothing is wrong when no one knows what you are going through.

I would just like to remind you, it is okay not to be okay. We all have our ups and downs. Sure there are people who would listen to you if you need to ligthen up the load. Moreover, there are also those who would like to keep you happy and help you be distracted so you don’t get to worry too much. You are not alone dearie. So cheer up strong soul!

-The Soliloquist

Requiting Your Love Is Only A Maybe

I do not intend to make you fall
Tried to be just a flower in the wall
Avoided clothes that will make one notice
A face like mine in a crowded office

But just in case I made you think
That you can get me by a wink
That with sweet lines I will believe
Or if attention will cause me relief

I’m afraid you got it all wrong
My heart is guarded with hard stone
I had it smashed again and again
So guillible, might even fall for an alien

Enough with romance and happy endings
More than once I thought that was happening
Yet now I know reality can be so cruel
I did not expect myself to be such a fool

I choose not to be stupid or risk it on the line
My heart I’d rather drown with liquor or cheap wine
If it means giving up happiness I’ll find other ways
To be happy about simple things in ordinary days

You might have come in an imperfect time
When I try to express hurt through rhymes
You might have fallen for my sweet smile
That you never thought behind it was a crime

A crime that someone I never thought will do
Lies and pretense I thought were all true
I do not want to believe on tales of love
I’ll let dreams and wishes fly like a dove

I safeguard myself from the possibility of falling
I choose not to give any guy that special feeling
Because I desire to be happy and be whole
Never want someone to be just a patch of a hole

If my friendliness you interpret wrongly
If my cheerfulness made you’re days lively
I hope you can accept my heartfelt sorry
Because requiting your love is only a maybe

-The Soliloquist

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I Will Never Love You

You can pretend
Try to be my friend
Even if the world has to end
I will never love you

You can play your game
You can use your fame
Your lies are so lame
I will never love you

The world you can have
But money can’t buy you love
So release me like a dove
I will never love you

You can use another face
The pavement you can chase
You can fill me with praise
I will never love you

You can give me flowers
Chocolates, gifts, whatever
Don’t jump on a tower
I will never love you

Whatever you do
Your love may be true
Won’t take advantage of you
I will never love you

If without me your days are worst
Even if you’ll send me a curse
If you dont love yourself first
I will never love you

 

-The Soliloquist

You can also check my other composition entitled I Will Always Love You as a favorable heartwarming response to this poem.

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Behind The Smile Is A Broken Heart

I am broken, but no one has to know
Smile on my face, soon this pain has to go
I don’t want to feel it, I do best to divert
The tears into laughter that I try to convert

Cry a little later, got no time to weep
Strumming guitar strings as I hear my phone beep
I’m sorry for lately I know I’m boring
I try best to keep a conversation going

I’m now usually silent trying to keep myself busy
Keeping away from bed until I’m too tired and dizzy
Honestly I want to be alone with my thoughts
Cant explain how with hurt my heart is fraught

Even if I try to hide my eyes would show my heart
I’m now usually asked as to why I look like my heart is apart
Perhaps I often stare blankly now, hope this I can control
I’m not good at anything but I loved you with my all

I am broken, only to myself will I admit
Can’t bear if anyone else call me dimwit
Not an expert in pretense but this pain I will deny
For a silly, beautiful fantasy that I know now is a lie

-The Soliloquist

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A Lesson From Boss Jun Sabas

Early morning walks are one of things I enjoy. Just before the sun finally crawls up to bring light, hope and new beginnings. The scent of the grass after a little shower, the sun taking a peek, the flow of people on their way to work, school or their lovely homes, the chance to be alone with your thoughts-plans, events, people, ideas- are things I enjoy through these walks. After an interactive 9 hour shift, I finally get to daydream. Yet today, I appreciated the clouds a bit. They reminded me of how swift things can change. That thought made me want to freeze them. Knowing I can’t, I walked heads down.

I am disheartened. It’s not that bad. It’s just a change that happens every now and then. But no matter how ordinary this change is to some people, it is to me heartbreaking. 😥

At first I didn’t even know who he was. Not his name. Not his position. Most of us didn’t. Perhaps he is one of the trainers who came to visit the production floor during his free time. Some of my workmates even thought he was an FS. [For call center virgins: A floor support is a senior who have answers to your queries, an expert in troubleshooting and someone who is knowledgeable about the processes. This is a position higher than an agent yet lowers than a Team Lead.] I rode his car first, threw back jokes at him first, annoyed him with a styrofoam’s squeaking sound first, before I knew he is our big boss. Our Operations Manager.

I was surprised as our seniors regard him as “boss” in a karaoke session. What the?! It wasn’t just me though; he was cool and relaxed unlike the usual intimidating bosses. He is approachable with his big bang smile and silly ready-to-ridicule facial expressions. At times, he greeted me first. Isn’t that cool? When your boss regard you as someone, a part of a team you consider a family, calls you your name. That is pretty awesome to me. Regardless if he calls me something like “bully,” little does he know I hear “pretty.” HAHA! Kidding aside, that’s okay because it gives me the hint that it’s all right to bully him back. The boss of bullies.

4 hours ago, we were told that he’d be transferred to a different account, a different line of business. I didn’t expect a change like that to happen. I was saddened. Sad is an understatement. But I don’t want to use big words. It would make me feel worse than what I’m feeling now. Okay, I can say my heart is cracked. Like the icon in the QC chat room some workmates posted earlier, that icon boss posted first, that icon I posted too is how I’m feeling since I heard the news. Heart cracked into two.

Aside from the professional relationship at work, the usual team meetings, recursive sessions, one on one call listening and coaching activities, we, his subordinates have each built a relationship with him. I had my small yet memorable share of this. We’ve exchanged greetings, half-meant bully jokes, laughter and childish facial expressions. We’ve had few drinks together. Oh, mine was, they had more. He had seen me cry over a stupid love song. We sang songs of different varieties from Salbakuta to Bon Jovi. He had lead an action song of the old boy band music “Get down” he initially called “action dance” which made us look like fools yet it was so fun. I’ve known he is an electric engineer by profession when I told him not to touch the freaking light bulb with his wet hands. Of course he stubbornly shooed me away with his “I’ve done this all my life statements. “Once, I’ve told him that they have had enough drinks yet he told me, “What can I do? I can’t ran out of cash to buy some more?” HAHA! Braggart.

This braggart, have once opened his heart to me. His experience. His perception. Some of his plans. As fun as this man is, he also is so deep, very intelligent, hardworking and talented. Yeah, simply amazing. Oh don’t be so overwhelmed, he is not that good. XD Not just good. Better than, uhmm.. Better than better. Best is an exaggeration. ^_~

These are two of the things I have learned from that conversation.

1. How to make a good pesto. Cook the pasta. Drain. Add the ready-made pesto sauce. Serve while hot.

2. This man does not believe he is blessed. As much as I disagree, I will explain his side of this.

As he had narrated an excerpt of his life story to me, I told him “you are blessed.” It was out the ordinary, it was like the ones you’d see in the movies. A brave young lad who made his way into college through his hardwork. Everything in between that I’m not sure I can disclose. So, he got a job, worked his way up, got promoted as a TL in his early twenties. If my memory serves me right. XD He told me that it wasn’t easy. He expected the worst and did his best. He robbed himself of sleep, worked more than the usual working hours, come early, left late, and went extra miles to achieve what he had. It wasn’t blessed. It wasn’t something he prayed overnight for. It was months, years of hardwork. It wasn’t given to him in a silver platter, he earned it, and he worked his ass off for it. So things that he has now, things that he had achieved and those that he will have, he deserves all of them. Not because he is blessed, but because he made himself worthy of those things.

True. I have realized that some people, due to overspiritualism, tend to do less. Much prayer, less actions. This shouldn’t be the case. I’m not saying we should pray less, we should just do more. For destiny is a choice. Fate is a result of our actions. We are the captain of our lives. So we ought to be responsible for our own shipwrecks.

My point of him being blessed though was that despite of all the trials he had experienced, he had gone through all those things and he is successful. Some people, worked so hard too. He had claimed, perhaps they did not work as hard as him, to this I disagree. There are lots of people who worked hard, yet circumstances were not as favorable to them as it was to him.

He still doesn’t believe he is blessed. He viewed blessing as something that is given instead of earned.

I believe in higher being and things beyond my control. I see blessing as something that we earn when we use what we are blessed with. I still believe he is blessed and he will be because he deserves to be blessed, because he does more and because he uses what he is blessed with.

I’ve realized though that I am so blessed that once in this lifetime I have met this fun-easygoing-bully-braggart who in way or another have touched my life. It may not be so often that we’d talk or see or hear from each other, but I am blessed. I’ve always been. Thank you for being one of my blessings Jun-Jun. Yeah? I wouldn’t have met you if I didn’t get this job. There are other people who applied and would have deserved this job as well. But circumstances were in favor of me. XD

Just a few times have I talked seriously with this bully

Unlike what I thought bosses are, he is so fun and crazy

Never have I thought someone like him can cook

Every time I see him I think “he is a cool folk”

Regardless of his designation, to him you can be comfortable

I won’t hesitate saying “hi” because he is approachable

Even if you have to leave, we know we’d see you around

 

 

So keep a stiff upper lip, when times get tough don’t you frown

As we know things can only get better when they seem worse

Believe in yourself, you’ll get by with a smile, don’t curse

Awesome as you are, we don’t have a choice but to let you go

Superboss when we are sad, lets just think of Lando’s lost toe

[ peace CHUU! XD ]

 

Today, walking wasn’t the usual relaxing, mind de-stressing activity.

Walking wasn’t greeting people with smiles.

Walking wasn’t enjoying the morning breeze..

Walking wasn’t saying “Hello Mr. Sun!”

Walking today was simply,

 

 

moving forward..

-The Soliloquist

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Everyone has a sad story to tell

 

Everyone has a sad story to tell
A rich businessman or vendors who sell
A fireman with burns and scars
It has healed but it left the marks

A little girl who have lost his dad
Who sang her songs as she go to bed
Or a mother who have lost a child
In her womb, the pain never go mild

A police who was solving a crime
Ran fast to catch the burglar in time
Yet he tripped and a truck hit him so bad
Head hit the gutter, he bled to his death

A doctor whose late for an on call surgery
Got nagged by a mother in blantant misery
“Why are you late, my daughter’s life at stake!”
Not knowing the doctor was from his son’s wake

Before we talk we ought to listen,
Before we listen our mind has to be open
Open our mouths only when we are certain
That no one gets hurt without sound reason

-The Soliloquist

 

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Jealous

 

The darkness of the skies
Mirrors the sadness in my eyes
No single star to brighten the night
Even my friend moon is out of sight

I can’t fight back the tears
Wish I can talk to my peers
Waited for someone like you for years
Losing you is the greatest of my fears

I’m jealous of the girl who caught your eye
Even if you said its I who captured your heart
I hope what you made me believe isn’t a lie
You said she’s like a perfect piece of art

You told me “she’s so beautiful”
But then you only called me pretty
Yeah, I know she looks wonderful
Thus, the reason for this self-pity

As awful as you think it may seem
I’m weeping like a kid who lost his kite
You’re handsome, she’s pretty, you’d be a great team
Hindering your happiness is not any of my right

You’re dream girl, I’d never be her
She’s fair, gorgeous, talented and kind
The thought of it makes me say “grrr”
Losing you to her drives me out of my mind

I’m not usually the green-eyed monster
Who’d feel inadequate and cry in the dark
I have to pour this out for me to feel better
I’m drowning in tears I need Noah’s Ark

If you’d only leave me, you should not have said “hi”
And target my heart with an arrow like a dart
Do you have to tell me you admire her? Why?
Don’t you realize that would break my heart apart

I’m afraid someday you’d realize
That I’m not the type of girl you want for a wife
And the pretty girl that you idolize
Will be the one you’d love for the rest of your life

-The Soliloquist

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