Shattered Places

At some point of our lives, we experience a kind of terror unimaginable. A loss of a loved one, a calamity, an accident, a heart break, a volcanic eruption. It will not make sense at that moment. Your mind will be too forlorn to process any other emotions. There will be too many questions but not a single answer.

Dear, always remember that everytime you fall on your knees, you can always look up and pray. Or you don’t even have to look up at all. You don’t have to get up so quickly. You don’t have to unfeel the pain. You don’t have to stop the tears. You don’t have to be okay when it’s not okay. But you will have to believe in tomorrows. The way you trust the sun every morning. The way you know that even if the rainclouds are heavy, the stars do exist. You will get up. You will be surprised how unparalleled beauty can spring in places that once was shattered. How He does not take without replacing it with something far more beautiful.

-The Soliloquist

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April 27, 2016
Sunken Cemetery, Camiguin Island. Philippines

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Once Upon a Time, I Lived Happily Ever After

As a kid,
I believed in fairytales.
In Once Upon a Times
and Happily Ever Afters.

But after I got my knees bruised
And overcome puberty blues
I learned you can’t make good poetry
Without getting your heart abused.

(LOL! Bad poetry. Bad poetry. No wait, this isn’t even poetry. Just finish it, so you can shut it up. 😂😂😂)

But then I grew up,
So it’s Once upon a time,
I handed my heart over
To several wrong people
And that is okay
Because Once upon a time
I learned, I loved, I gave it my all
I fall, I failed, I was on my knees
But it wasn’t the end I know
I cried, I prayed, I still believed
That magic happens, unexpectedly
I got up, I continued despite,
I smiled, I tried
And licked my wounds in silence
I made a note to self
That if Once upon a time,
Handing your heart over
Doesn’t make feel like a princess
That is okay
He may not be your prince yet
And it matters less if he ever come along or find you first or find you at all
Because it is when you know your worth and love yourself first,
That you’d live happily ever after.

-The Soliloquist

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Universal Studios Singapore

November 2015

Inadequate

Sorry if I’d made you feel inadequate
That what you do isn’t enough
To make me feel I am valued
To make me believe I am loved

At times I just don’t understand
Why I envy a lot
On other people’s lives and
Beautiful stories they got

I know I’ve hurt you intensely
I broke your heart and I’m wrong
Now I’m saying I’m sorry
That I said we just don’t belong

I didn’t mean to hurt you
I didn’t knew then it was wrong
To tell you insensitive thoughts
That might have broke us apart

I have forgotten entirely
How beautiful we once were
How I want to turn back time
If I could I’d say “as you were”

But what’s done has been done
The damage is beyond repair now
I only wish your pain will be gone
I’ll take with me the ache with a bow

-The Soliloquist

 

(Wrote this years ago, it’s downer so I had second thoughts publishing it. But nah for safekeeping.)

FOURTH

Find someone who brings out your best

Offer him a love he could not resist
Understand the things he cannot explain
Respect and appreciate, try not to complain
Trust is everything, thou shall not break
Honesty is your gift to yourself, don’t be a fake

-The Soliloquist

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Photo from http://www.simoneverissphotography.com

#late post #feb14

Rest Day

Being with you is something I look forward to
I count days, moons and hours till we meet again
When time comes, I fill my list with things to do
But lately I procrastinate due to the little rain

Should I write a song today or just hum an old one
I think I want to swim but the water is too cold
A movie with swords or psychos will indeed be fun
Or finish off that red-covered book marked with a fold

Try riding bus after bus till I’m completely lost
Then it would be exciting finding my way back
But soon I’ll be back on placing callers on hold
Heard your nail died today so I’ll wear something black

Just a day, indeed you made me feel rested
Few moments later, I’ll be excited logging in
I said that to sound a bit more motivated
When all I’m looking forward to is when “we’ll meet again”.

-The Soliloquist

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from http://www.workoutwithdi.com/

SECOND

Sorry for the hurtful quarrels and petty fights
Everytime you’re near I just want to hug you tight
Crazy madly deeply I am in love with you
Ordinary days are special when spent with you
No matter what happens next I’m so glad you came
Dear love, without you my life will never be the same

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-The Soliloquist

Few More Days: Jam Blancaflor

I had denied it for weeks. At days that it crossed my mind, I forced the thought away. Perhaps, I wasn’t ready yet. I wasn’t ready to lose you. As overly dramatic as it may sound, no one can change the fact that you are leaving. Maybe you can, but would you?

You had talked about resigning several months back, when you got seriously ill with dandy fever. I felt sorry for you that time, struggling with body malaise, loss of appetite and much of the emotional turmoil that one would normally feel given your situation. I felt bad about myself not being able to take care of you that time. One thing I am sorry about. I’m sorry, I should have been there more often than a visit.

Everytime you go home or call in sick, your absence in the office is felt. I don’t usually send SMS to people first but if you would remember me sending random “I miss you” and “when will you be back” brief messages then you know now that you will be missed.

A month ago, you told me you were resigning. Sensing the finality of your decision, I asked “why” though I already know the answer. Guess it helped me. I succeeded at fighting the urge of stopping you. It wouldn’t have made any difference. “At least I tried” wouldn’t even be worth the try, because there isn’t any chance of winning. No chance of making you stay.

Stop you? Silly thought. How could I, when I know I’d be doing the same if I were you. How could I, when even I feel sad about you leaving, I couldn’t deny that I am truly happy for you. You wouldn’t make a big decision like that without thinking about it the hundredth time. You wouldn’t be this excited about it if it won’t make you the truly happy. You wouldn’t let go of something great like this TWCBC family- the coolest supervisors, the wackiest teammates, the stress-reduced, cozy feel, light scope of support (not to mention I don’t have a point of comparison, LOL) , if not for something greater. Yep, biological family, not everyone is gifted with a great one. So we should take care of ours the best way possible. 

I understand how you feel about missing your family. I know because I couldn’t imagine leaving mine for that long, that far. Everytime you go home or talk about Aianah and you sisters, I can sense how much you wanted to live with them for good. No more count down as to your next visit home, no more plane ticket booking and wish I never had to leave airport dilemmas.  Hearing about your plans, especially that you never fail at sounding extremely giddy about it, makes me very excited for you too. I am thrilled as you are about to begin a new chapter of your life’s story as this current one is inevitably ending.  Hello to a whole new world of writing, entrepreneurship, baking and undying k-pop fandoms. 

Goodbye to avaya phones, graveyard shift, thank you for calling spiel, routinary lifestyle, irate and flirtatious callers, potential relationships, end of shift “wambats”, team building escapades. I think what you will miss most are the ordinary things. All the between call chatters, team lunches, wifi leeching at krispy creme, countdown to clock out time, holiday avail, mute button moments, forgot the mute button moments, hold the cx I can’t hold it anymore urinary urgencies, off the phone coaching and recursive, wrongly delivered spiels, mispronounced verbiage, kpop tools, unending fantasies, shut-up-I’m pissed left the chat/left the room dramas, breakfast dates, singing our hearts out till our lungs burst karaoke times. The initials not everyone could relate to -RTWs, QC, AHT, AR, QPB (can mean 2 things but both would make you sigh a good sigh.) The question that doesn’t start with a “W” you can’t survive a 9-hour shift without asking, “avail?”.  

As you are counting the days till you will finally get to be where your heart desires most, enjoy while it last. Guess we have reached the part where I’d have to say thank you- the main reason why I had taken time writing this. I wanted you to remember the great things you had the past years even before we met. So you may cherish the “now” that you have. Remember how beautiful you turned out to be with all the challenges you surpassed. Then one day, you’d look back, maybe read this again and recall that once upon a time, we met and you made an impact at Joyee and each and everyone of us forever.

Jam, 

I thank God for the opportunity of knowing you. Such a wonderful woman who is passionate about the things that she wants. The best thing about you is that you are true to yourself. You acknowledge your emotions despite what others may think of you. That is courageous. You are one of the strongest woman I know. You had lived by yourself. It wasn’t easy but you amazingly gone through all that. That is an item in my bucket list I never know if I’d ever fulfill. You are an inspiration. You are one of those people I looked up to back in training. At the back of my mind I used to say “she sound so well when she converse, it’s almost like it’s rehearsed.” Then I had hoped someday I’d be the same. Guess practice makes stubborn tongues tame. I will be looking forward to your compositions. I’d be waiting for that day when I will get the chance to taste your pastries. I’ll be liking your photo once you visit Seoul and comment “Finally. You get to kiss the land of your dreams. LOL.” No note about lovelife. Gaah! Fine. Just for the sake of it- when you are happy and you know it, just clap your hands. LOL. 

I love you JAM!


J
ourney to a new path her heart burns with passion

As she creatively write about Chanyeol and Baekhyun

May your wildest dreams come true in Seoul

 

Baby girl, Van and Oppa will miss you most of all

Loquacious in nature, this girl’s tongue is on fire

A few more days and she’ll be where her heart desires

Now and till we meet again, promise me you’d be happy

Chai, when the man comes who’d love you only

Alert me and Van thru an SMS or PM us in FB

For GenSan, we will fly for a wedding in cloud 9

Luhan will take care of you just fine

Oh Em Gee, I’m contaminated with jam-flu

Reckless dreamer, you’re in our hearts just like a tattoo

-The Soliloquist

 

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